When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
do herpes really smell.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
