We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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