Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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