i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
