why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Randomize
