does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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