Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
she told me i tasted like america
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
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