stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
