I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
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