Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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