did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
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People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
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Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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