you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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