dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Randomize
