I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
