Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
