If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
