I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
