everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Randomize
