what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I am naked and annoyed.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
