On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
