OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
