I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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