fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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