Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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