Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
please come you make the beer taste better
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
