I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
