don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
