Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
