Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
