When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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