glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
