i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
