I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
did i walk over a car last night?
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
