WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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