I just made out with a guy for $7.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
