he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
