I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
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I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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