As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
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