I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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