You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
