Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
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