If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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