I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
