Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
