And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
