Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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