I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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