i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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