somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
