evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
