I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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