Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
