I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
At least life still wants to fuck me.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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