I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
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He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
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The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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