i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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