i barfeds in our rink
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
