He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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