I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
