So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
