Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
