i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Dignity is for republicans.
did i walk over a car last night?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
