my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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