omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
