Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Randomize
