Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
