you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
